More Amazon Review Humor

From the silly, yet creative people who brought you Bic Pens for Her on Amazon, come hilarious reviews for…

David Hasselhoff’s “Looking for the Best” German-released CD.

Yes, there is a God! (take that, atheists!): the best of David Hasselhoff’s voice talent combined with the technical perfection of German music.

Here are some reviews:

This David is a GOLIATH
When “Knight Rider” and “Bay Watch” ended, I felt a distinct void in my life. Without Hasselfhoff’s bouncing pecs gracing my television, life simply felt drab and unfulfilling.

Imagine my delight when I discovered that Hasselhoff had not disappeared at all, but rather REEMERGED, this time as a serious force in music. It reminded me of when Leonard Nimoy had recorded his stirring tribute to Tolkien, “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.” It was that moving and momentous for me.

Honestly, few Americans truly appreciate how Hasselhoff singularly reshaped the entire landscape of German music. Auf wiedersehen, Amadeus. Hasselhoff ist hier!

I particularly recommend the track “Do the Limbo Dance” but am giving the album just four stars because I’m a bit disappointed that he didn’t stick with the original German version, “Tanzen Limbo, Ya!”

Achtung! Achtung! Der GENIUS of Herr Hasselhoff!!
Economic nationalists throughout the country shuddered when the Commerce Department announced a Q3 trade imbalance comfortably exceeding $100 billion, the highest on record. We buy our electronics from Japan, our confections from France, and our oil from the Persian Gulf. So why must we import the cream of our own culture from abroad? We don’t store the Constitution in Germany. We don’t launch the Space Shuttle from China. So why must we buy our Hasselhoff from distant foreign lands? Demand for this benchmark piece of Americana will surely send the trade economy reeling even closer to the abyss.
A Swoonful of Sugar!
Before I listened to this album I didn’t think it was possible for a grown man to swoon. But the Hoff, like so many times before, proved me wrong. From the first note on the first track LOOKING FOR FREEDOM, I felt a strange sense of disembodiment, as if my soul was separating from my corporeal form. By the time THESE LOVIN’ EYES played and the mellifluous sound emanating from vocal cords touched by the hand of God penetrated my ear drums like an aural incubus, I realized that I was in a full fledged swoon. Beads of sweat trickled down the back of my neck sending shivers of ecstasy through my body. I shuddered and the room spun when DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE played, to which I answered in a small voice, “Yes…Yes I believe in love.”

The last track I remember listening to was DANCE DANCE D’AMOUR. I recall the palpitations of my swoon-filled heart, I screeched a tiny chirp, like a sparrow on the lawn on a cool spring morn, and my world turned to a dream filled with cherubs dancing with unicorns beneath a glowing yellow sun and a sky so blue that if I could only touch it, an eternal peace would forever fill my spirit.

I awoke to find my wife standing over me with her hands on her hips and an eyebrow cocked. I said to her, “You don’t know the power of the Hoff. You just don’t know.” I exhaled and the swoon left me, leaving me longing for more.

This is not an album, its a journey
I had just received a bonus from work so I decided that I would go all out and get my family the area rug from the flea market that we had been dreaming of. After looking through the amazing array of carpet magic, a bright light caught the corner of my eye. As i walked over towards it, i could feel my entire body lift up off the ground for the I was completely swept off my feet. There is was, the best of David Hasselhoff. Just call me Charlie for I had just found the golden ticket of life.

Like the north star leading ships through treacherous seas, this album has been a guiding light for me. He is the vocal equivalent of Van Gogh to which my soul is the canvas and his voice paints a masterful mural.

It must be magic!!

To call this album merely a “Best of” is like saying that the sun is mostly just a big ball of helium and hydrogen. Well, sure, both statements are true, but that doesn’t account for the completely improbable sequence of events that occurred over a long period of time that borders on the verge of magic to reach the final product you see before (and above) you.

And, like the Sun, this is an album that carries a lot of mass. From the opening notes of Looking For Freedom – Hasselhoff’s quirky ode to the hair product movement – through to the thundering crescendo of I Believe – his Viking metal weapon of mass-destruction opining the lack of deep and meaningful subject matter in modern day sitcoms – Hasselhoff sucks you in with his irrefutable gravity, makes you burn for an eternity, and then spits you out on the crest of a wave to come crashing back to Earth. Like the Sun, this album provides everything you need for life and warmth, sustains you and keeps the dark at bay. Like the sun, the disc is shiny.

I know that religious believers and unbelievers have argued the point of intelligent design versus scientific evolution at great length, but surely both must agree now that, in this work, Hasselfhoff has transcended such petty questions as “What is God’s will?” and “So you’re just asking me to accept that as true without evidence?”. Surely, with this work, the only question remaining is “Isn’t Hot Shot City particularly good?”

Musical genius
This CD is nothing short of a work of an immense musical genius. I was totally overcome with emotion after hearing it and in particular ‘Hot SHot City’ struck home as a musical tour-de-force exhibiting quite breathtaking musical virtuosity. The cadences in the B minor key which then resolve to the dominant F sharp in the allegro molto section put me in mind of Mozart at his most perfect – in fact it transcends Mozart. The sequence of semi-quavers which descend from the high A minor appegios interspersed with the chromatic ascending runs in the Lydian scale and the later half-diminished chords could only come from a musical genius. I would also draw attention to the use of the suspended fourths underpinning the cadenzas in the phrygian scales. Its just fantastic!

And here are just a few more tidbits:

* Like dingleberries and truckstop bathrooms, this album is exciting dangerous and sexy.

* Listening to this album is not so much a musical experience as a quasi-religious one… it reminded me of all those circles in hell Dante used to talk about. Truly religious.

* Discussion is already underway, that when the Euro fails, this CD will be the new currency of all of Europe. Say goodbye to the value of the dollar.

* I haven’t cried like that since ET. My stomach hurts from weeping. Now my wife thinks I’m having an emotional breakdown.

* Both “The World’s Most Interesting Man” and Chuck Norris have this in their musical collections. They have publicly expressed that they find the song, “Hot Shot City,” particularly good.

Unfortunately, this tour de force is hard to come by and expensive. (After all, it is an import, plus you have the over-valued Euro to consider when converting its price into dollars.) However, the Hoff has EIGHTEEN other albums available, so even if you can’t afford the wonder of “Looking for the Best,” you can at least sample the delights of “Night Rocker,” “Sings America,” or “Magic Collection: David Hasselhoff.”


One comment on “More Amazon Review Humor

  1. I know! That’s so crazy that’s he’s so huge in Germany. How did that happen? Keri, we need just one country to embrace our books and make them bestsellers. I’m shooting for India and a Bollywood movie. 😉

    I finally have The Bloodsuckers Vol. 1 and 2 on my Nook, and Vol. 3 on my computer. Thanks for making these available. They are on my list for reading this year – I just don’t know when. Thanks for making them available.

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